- ja: what if real life is just people taking turns hurting each other?
- je: pretty much.
- je: that's what i think.
- ja: that's so sad.
i feel like more relationships would work out if people could just remember this one thing about their significant other:
she/he doesn’t need you.
that other person does not need you. you’re not a requisite to her survival. she will get along just fine without you. and even if you leave her, she might be sad for a little while, but she’ll move on and very likely she’ll do better.
that being said, you might wonder why she even bothers keeping you around.
she/he wants to be with you.
she enjoys your company. despite your flaws, despite your moments of idiocy, she likes you. maybe you make her laugh.
yes, she’s probably wasting her time with you, she could very like be doing something more productive than to sit around with you. but she chooses to be with you. there’s something about you that makes that opportunity cost worth it. there’s something about you that makes all your competition irrelevant.
if people remembered this, i think they might suffer less insecurity.
if people remembered this, i think they might appreciate each other more. i think when you realize that someone doesn’t need you, you realize that they can easily leave you, and maybe that realization would motivate you to work a little harder to keep them around.
i don’t know if i’ve ever had a nightmare before. but this was terrifyingly nightmarish to me.
i was at a family party at my ninang’s house. huge family party, like we haven’t had in years. everyone was there. absolutely everyone, all the cousins, all the kids, all the aunties and uncles. all the family friends. it was rosemarie’s birthday.
and people were scattered all over the house, all over the street. there were people in the garage, eating, drinking, standing around hanging out. there were people in the house, in the rooms, probably doing the same thing. it was such a long dream and it was so real, some of it is already slipping away - the parts that seemed normal.
adam was there, i brought him with me. we left the party for a bit and went for a short walk outside, probably to his truck. while we were walking, capri and jon luc were stepping out of the house.. kind of random but in the dream i didn’t think anything of it. she was gorgeous, as usual.
on our way back, i stopped to talk to capri and i was happy to see her. she said she was having a good time. we kept walking and talking back to the house. as we passed by the bouncy house one of the kids came up to us, and capri introduced herself. i don’t know whose little girl it was, probably a daughter of a family friend. she asked capri to go play with her, and she went. i noticed some of the family watching this exchange and thought to myself that they must be thinking the same thing i was thinking - that capri is beautiful and sweet.
so i walk back to the garage where we have a food table set up, and i’m grabbing a plate. i notice this older guy i’ve never seen before. i have no idea who he is, but just figure he’s a friend of a friend. and i go on my happy way spending time with family.
some time later i go into the kitchen. there are some desserts on the kitchen table, but most have been picked at and there’s not much left. there’s this little box of chocolate truffle brownie things so i ate some of that. i open the fridge and there’s like.. little treat bags of candy and other dessertish items, but i don’t take those because they’re probably for handing out later.
i open the freezer and there’s different cartons of ice cream, and i’m a little bummed because someone ate the rest of mine (apparently i had my own carton in their freezer, idk). but i look at the other options grab one, sit at the table and start making a bowl. there’s another little girl sitting at the table picking at whatever is left there and i asked her if she wanted ice cream but she said no. i realized i grabbed an almost empty carton when my spoon meets the cardboard bottom, and the little girl was like, “oooooooooh, you ate it alllll” but i told her it was okay, i’d buy more later. and i was mapping it all in my head how i’d step out from the party for 10 minutes and buy more ice cream…
someone calls my name from the backyard and i go outside. my aunts and uncles are sitting in the backyard talking and eating. my auntie nora was the one who called me. she said she missed me and they asked me what i’ve been up to lately. she was just finishing a bowl of ice cream herself and she placed her napkin in her empty paper bowl. i told her i was just making the same thing. she told me to try it with the chocolate truffle things she had, she had another box left on the table inside. “oh those were yours? i finished them already, haha” bc i pretty much had. the few morsels that were left i was gonna scrape into my ice cream.
i go back inside and i’m eating with this little girl, and someone comes in and says it’s time to go outside, the cake is set up and it’s time to sing happy birthday.
everyone empties out into the street. they have this buffet table set up along the curb and the cake smack in the middle. i’m walking outside and someone who was standing in the yard of the house across the street (still a part of our party) caught my attention and i headed that way instead. we were catching up for a bit, and then my mom called me to tell me to get over to the table because we were taking pictures.
i ran over and tried to crowd myself in next to the birthday girl, but the closest i could get was between chelsea and her boyfriend and desserei, which was good enough.
we sang happy birthday and afterwards someone was saying come birthday celebratory remarks for my cousin before we could eat. there was more food set out on the table aside from the cake. this was like the REAL FOOD, like dinner food (not sure how it was different from the party food honestly, except for when we were finally allowed to eat it).
after that everyone grabbed a plate, and started scattering back to the house and the garage and the yard and the curb and the street. that older guy i didn’t recognize was still at the buffet table, eating. not even with a plate, just grabbing forkfuls off the serving trays and shoveling it into his mouth. rosemarie was nearby and i asked her who that guy was, and she said she didn’t know. but he’s so rude. he started eating before everyone else, he started eating before we even sang happy birthday. wtf? who is this guy? idk. i just thought he was with someone but i don’t think anyone knows him.
i went over to my mom and i was like mom who is that guy. she said jasmine i don’t know, we’ve all kind of been wondering. she was concerned, you could tell. but she didn’t want to press anything, which is kind of unlike her. i get my boldness from her. but mom he’s eating EVERYTHING. i wasn’t kidding. he was eating EVERYTHING. by this time he was the only one at the table and he was leaning over, eyeing this or that entree, oblivious and uncaring of anything else going around. he was so disengaged it finally became clear that he wasn’t with anyone, he didn’t know anyone, he was a party crasher.
my mom watched as i approached him. he didn’t even notice me coming. i told him, you know you could at least introduce yourself. i’m sorry? he says. we’re nice people. we’re very welcoming. but if you’re gonna come here and eat our food and not know anybody, you could at least introduce yourself. he said no that’s okay, i’m just really hungry. (no fucking shit, he ate through half the table) that’s fine, i say. you’re welcome to eat but it’s really rude to not even be gracious to your hosts. and he looks up at me and very flatly he says - i’m not interested.
and less flatly, and with a lot more bite than i intended, i responded to him: then you can leave.
my mom interjected- jas..
no mom, this is not okay.
things started to get really tense really fast. i noticed that almost everyone had gone into the house and the garage and off the street, curbs, sidewalks, yard. it was quiet.
the guy says, look i’m just really hungry, and i need to eat.
well you can eat somewhere else. you’re not welcome here anymore.
adam came up from behind and grabbed my wrist - jasmine.
although i didn’t stop, at this point i was beginning to get scared. he didn’t seem a threat to me until i realized that adam, who is much more outspoken and much more easily angered than i am, was being cautious.
i told the guy: leave now.
he stared at me, as if gauging my resolve. and i held his gaze. finally he stepped back from the table and started walking away, down the street. i watched him go, i wanted to make sure he didn’t come back.
he got down half a block, when suddenly a van turned on the street from the corner up, doors slid open, vested men inside with all this surveillance equipment. it screeched around the corner and sped down after the guy. the guy looks back and starts running.
what the fuck?
adam, what the fuck. who the fuck is this guy the fucking police are after him?!
idk let’s just go back inside.
what the fuck
this guy, this criminal, was hiding at our family party. i think he knew he was being watched. i think he was using our family, our kids, our elderly, as protection. and that made me so mad.
the guy hangs a left the next block down and the van turns after him.
he must have hung another two lefts because now he’s turning back down the street from the block up, and the van is nowhere to be seen. i’m guessing they were going to try to corner him off on his way back down but instead he runs into the yard of a corner house, looks around, sees adam and i watching. he pulls open a chain link fence to the side yard of the house and slips in.
i’m done with this situation. adam and i start walking back to the house. and then we start running, because shit is just too cray.
the garage door is shut now, nobody is outside. we make it to the house, and now there are police everywhere. like 15-20 of them. they’re starting a standoff at the corner house, but it’s the wrong house. they’re a block up, right across the street from us, and he’s at the house a block down. the standoff is so extensive that they’re standing in my cousin’s yard, guns wielded and at the ready. rosemarie is rushing us to get in the front door but i need to tell them he’s not there, he’s one block down, you’ve got the wrong place. and while rosemarie is pushing us in, i notice something strange. these cops, they don’t look like cops. they look like bad people pretending to be cops.
so now i’m really scared. realizing all this, i help rosemarie get the gate to the front door shut but it isn’t lining up correctly. she can’t turn the deadbolt and in my fear i’m fiddling with the piece-of-shit-won’t-save-your-life turn-lock on the knob. i pull the gate into the frame with some force and the deadbolt turns as these really scary looking “cops” pass two feet in front of us. i give this weak im-innocent-please-don’t-kill-me smile as they look at us and finally the knob lock turns. rosemarie shuts the wooden door and drags me into the hallway, away from the windows in the living room and she mutters, jasmineeeee because she knows this is my fault, because it is my fault, because i had to confront this guy, and now my whole family is in danger with who-the-fuck-knows out there with their guns.
in the hallway i can see out the window of one of the bedroom and into the backyard. more of these “cops” are mobbing into the yard. and i don’t understand why they’re surrounding our house instead of trying to find the guy, and it dawns on me that if these aren’t the good guys, they’re the bad guys, and mb they’re the same guys as the guy that i called out, and they’re probably looking for the rat that gave him up.
typing this out, it all sounds so ridiculous, but fuck this dream it felt so real. they were after my family now and it was all my fault and i’m just so thankful that all i had to do was open my eyes for this to be over.
i opened my eyes. and everything was fine. but my fear was still there. all the emotions from that shitty shitty situation were still there.
adam was just throwing on his sweater before leaving for work. adam, i’m having the worst dream (having, because i was awake, but i could still feel it). tears already trickling from the corners of my eyes. i started to tell him about it, and he was like, see i told you it’d trip you out. i was just telling him, it was so bad. it’s just a dream, he said. it’s okay, i gotta go to work, i’m sorry. but i gotta go, i’m late.
i told him okay, he said he was sorry again, he’ll talk to me later. just take off the nicotine patch and go back to sleep.
fuckin nicotine patch dude.
adam was telling me a few weeks ago he had this terrifying dream that he woke up and there was a bear at his window and then it broke through and started attacking him. i poked fun at him but he said he was scared shitless.
the other night he had a lighter dream, that this bear was attacking some other guy, wrecking through his house, and it was funny. what’s with you and fucking bears? i asked him. he was like: you try wearing one of these nicotine patches to sleep, it fucks with your dreams. so i did. and it did. oh boy it did /: fucking awful. horrible.
it really, it all sounds stupid now, but it was fucking terrifying.
when you go, i’ll stay here.
and when you come back, i’ll still be here
a little bit different, a little changed
i don’t like the things i need to do.
i want things i don’t need.
i don’t have time to waste
but i’m always wasting time.
what’s worth it in the long run sucks right now
what’s worth it right now won’t stick around.
and wrap it in your fingers,
hold me close to you. ❞
after midnight, after a few drinks - the answer is yes.